Krypton
by Starlight Dream Weaver
Summary: A follow on to Kryptonite because not everythings as it seems.. Final Chapter now up
1. Default Chapter

Authors Notes: Didn't think I'd actually kill her off did ya? Follow on to Kryptonite, because like everything in life "not every thing is as it seems" I know it's full of corn, but well, I was in a corny mood. J Enjoy J 

Reviews please, and feedback _witchofeastwick1@hotmail.com_ _http://www.angelfire.com/musicals/dream_weaver_

Krypton

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Colours and light blurred in front of her face, as things came into focus she felt the pain. Tearing through her body, she felt like she was being pulled apart. A small cry of pain echoed around her mouth, she was aware of the tube that was filling it. Confusion washed over her, what the hell was going on. A nurse appeared over her, she recognised her from the ICU. 

"It's Okay Dr Weaver, calm down" She placed a hand over Kerry's, calming down it hit her. She had been attacked. She remembered dreaming, about Madeline, about dying. It seemed so real, but the pain of the moment brought her back to reality. Attacked. Again. She could feel tears rolling down her face, her hands moving frantically scrunching into fists and releasing again. The pain travelled through her entire body, almost unbearable. She could see a doctor approaching, talking to the nurse "Dr Weaver, It's okay, calm down" _Calm down, Calm down, how the hell could she calm down. _

She could feel pain medication being administered; she could hear the nurse checking vitals, talking to the doctor.  She could hear a familiar voice, British, strong. Focusing her eyes, she could see Elizabeth Corday in front of her. "Kerry… " She sat down on a stool next to the bed, Kerry turned her head slightly to look at the tired surgeon. Her eyes were heavy, her skin pale, she had obviously been working hard _'on me'_ she mentally added. 

"Kerry, you sustained serious injuries… there were several stab wounds… We performed a thoracotomy after you arrested… your liver was damaged, we were able to repair it, but the damage to the spleen was un-repairable… I'm sorry we had to remove it… " Kerry nodded slowly, Elizabeth flashed to Lucy, and back to Kerry. It was almost completely identical. Elizabeth ran a hand through Kerry's hair, stroking her face. 

"I'm sorry Kerry" The tears rolled down Kerry's cheeks, the tube in her mouth restricting any sound form escaping. Elizabeth knew Kerry remember everything that had happened to her, and she knew that they would be a role in Kerry's nightmares for years to come. She also knew that this wasn't the first time. 

Going over Kerry's medical records, she had read what had happened, first year of being a medical student. She had nearly died then. Nerves had been shredded in her back, accounting for the limp. 

Elizabeth had finished her shift over an hour ago, when she had finished operating on Kerry, but she sat with Kerry all night, giving her the comfort she had needed all her life. 

Elizabeth slowly crept through the room, slipping into the bed, hoping not to wake Mark, who immediately rolled over "I was light sleeping, waiting for you" Elizabeth kissed him lightly on the forehead, pulling him into a deep embrace, not wanting to let go. Mark didn't question her, he just held on. 

After a while Elizabeth drew back, snuggling into Mark's shoulder. "How's Kerry?" 

"Not good, she woke up… had to tell her about her injuries"

"She'll be okay?" It was a question and a statement. 

"She needs somebody to be there for her. Havn't be able to get hold of her sister yet…" Elizabeth yawned, closing her eyes. She concentrated on the beat of Mark's heart, the rise and fall of his chest, and before too long, she fell asleep, Mark watching over her. 

"Okay Kerry, you know the drill, deep breath then blow out hard" The doctor stood over Kerry, he made her feel uncomfortable, his bed side manner left a little something to be desired. She took a deep breath and blew out as hard as she could; the tube sliding out made her gag, coughing and spluttering into a kidney dish. She took a deep breath, the pain echoing around her chest. The nurse handed her a cup of ice chips, sucking on one, she could feel her mouth coming back to life. 

"Kerry?" A young woman moved towards her "Oh God Kerry, I tried getting here earlier, I couldn't, I'm sorry" Madeline, her sister. She was much older now, the Madeline from her dreams, was the same young Madeline from the conversation in the hallway when their mother died. She kissed Kerry's forehead and sat down, tears building up in her eyes. She entwined her fingers in Kerry's. 

The voice that came from Kerry's mouth was scratchy and strange "Maddie, don't worry, I'm fine" 

"Bullshit Kerry, I could take fine when you had flu, when you cut yourself, when you'd go days without eating and working non stop, but this is not fine" She broke down in tears. 

"Maddie…" 

"Kerry, you're all I got left, don't leave me now"

 Together they had seen the death of their adopted mother and father, and although adopted sisters, they loved each other like real sisters, often forgetting they were adopted. 

"I'm not going any where" She would have hugged her sister if the pain wasn't too much, but the pain was overwhelming. 

Maddie stayed with her all night, sleeping in a chair, Kerry frightened to close her eyes, knowing that once her eyes closed the nightmares would start. 

The next few days were a hell for Kerry. Carter came to visit with a bunch of flowers. He sat and talked to Kerry, his eyes registering his own nightmares of Kerry's attack and of his own. Kerry remembered Carter finding her; she didn't know whether to say thank you or not. "Carter… Thank you… for helping me" It echoed Kerry after she had seized from chemicals, she had said the same thing to Carter. Carter frowned slightly "Dr Weaver… you're welcome" He smiled slightly "I could have left you, but I don't want your job that much" She smiled. She would have laughed but she knew the pain would have been too much. 

Elizabeth came to visit every break she got. Kerry welcomed the comfort she brought, while Elizabeth felt guilty. The words she had said to Kerry still echoed around her skull, and she knew there was no way to make up for it. 

"I hope you end up with some possibly fatal illness, Kerry, so that I can do absolutely nothing to help YOU!"

Romano has visited once; telling her how well the surgery he and Elizabeth performed went. Kim never visited. 

The pain of Kim not visited, just added to the pain she already felt.

Every time she closed her eyes, she could see him looming over her, she could feel his breath on her skin. She could hear the words he whispered and she wished he had killed her. Maddie had finally gone home for some rest; she had been by her side days. The pain was lessening, but still present.  And ever second that passed was another she wished she was dead. 

The ER was still as busy as ever, a steady stream of patients filtered through. Security was tighter than ever, security guards walking the halls, keeping watch near every psyche case.  All the staff had been warned not to walk alone, to be careful. They had sat in the staff lounge, while Dr Romano went over safety precautions. At the end of the lecture he had asked "Any questions?" everyone sat quiet, until Luka had put his hand up "err… how is Doctor Weaver?" "Dr Weaver is recovering well… Anymore questions?" This time Abby raised her hand "Will Dr Weaver been returning to work?" "I'm not sure on that… anymore questions?" A doctor from the ER called Freya raised her hand "Can we make donations for a present for Dr Weaver…" That started the group talking. "Hey, hey, hey!!! Look, I don't know anything about Dr Weaver coming back to work, or if she wants a present, I'm here to talk to you about hospital safety" "Shouldn't you have had this talk long ago, after Lucy and I were stabbed, maybe before, like when Dr Greene was beaten up by a patient, maybe before Dr Weaver was attacked?" Carter had stood up to say this, walking out of the room dramatically; throwing a chart he had in his hand down on the table in front of Romano. When Romano dismissed the room, he noticed the chart was Kerry's. Picking it up, he read. His stomach lurching at the details on it, of her injuries. 

As the hours passed, so did the days, each bringing a new pain to Kerry. Talks with her sister eased the sensation slightly; the physical and emotional pain seemed to with each day grow, the pain medication the nurses dolled out only seem to dull the pain for a few blissful hours if she was lucky, but nothing could dull the nightmares that danced in her dreams. Nothing could dull the words that filled her head, left by him. Nothing could dull the pain of Kim not visiting. 

Every day someone from psyche came to talk to her, to keep her from going insane. It drove her insane that every day they sent Carl Derrad or Adele Newman or another doctor… never Kim. Soon she realised Kim was never coming to see her. And she realised that things between her and Kim would never be the same. 

She knew the pattern on the ceiling by heart. Night and day she stared at it, wondering if she'd ever see the sky again. Night and day she stared at it and wondered what kind of life she had now. Night and die she stared at it and wished she had been killed. 

The day of release loomed ahead and although Kerry wished for it, she dreaded it also; it meant she would be alone again. Her sister had promised to stay with her for a few days… That didn't seem to act as a comfort, but as a burden. Not on Kerry, but on her sister, again she was being a nuisance. She had declined, telling her sister she had done enough already, but the doctor had insisted that someone stay with her. Grudgingly she accepted. 

Her home seemed different. Carter had told her he had been inside, when they couldn't find her. She noticed a few things out of place, her photographic memory of the place somewhat different. Her sister had to practically carry her up the stairs, now she had two crutches. Placing her carefully on the bed, Maddie helped her sister into a pair of sweats and helped her into the bed. Placing a pillow under her back, she was once again faced with a ceiling. And once again she was faced with the thoughts that haunted her. Every time she dared to close her eyes, to rest her exhausted body and mind, whispers invaded her mind. Words and thoughts that he had put there. Words and thoughts that she couldn't erase. 

_You're Mine_

To Be Continued……….


	2. I'm No Superman

Here ya go, another bit to keep you going for a while! Thanks for all the fantastic feedback and reviews! Blessed be X~X~X~X  
Disclaimer: However much I adore ER, it's not mine J Thanks to those who do own it J Yay!! 

Witchofeastwick2001@yahoo.co.uk www.angelfire.com/musicals/dreamweaver 

Krypton Part Two ~ I'm No Superman

Her home seemed different. Carter had told her he had been inside, when they couldn't find her. She noticed a few things out of place, her photographic memory of the place somewhat different. Her sister had to practically carry her up the stairs, now she had two crutches. Placing her carefully on the bed, Maddie helped her sister into a pair of sweats and helped her into the bed. Placing a pillow under her back, she was once again faced with a ceiling. And once again she was faced with the thoughts that haunted her. Every time she dared to close her eyes, to rest her exhausted body and mind, whispers invaded her mind. Words and thoughts that he had put there. Words and thoughts that she couldn't erase. 

_You're Mine_

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The whisperings drive her to the edge of insanity and back until she thought she'd fall into the deep dark abyss where there was no way out. 

Kerry heard the whisperings all day long, haunting and taunting her. She tried blocking out the sound, covering her ears with her hand. Placing her head under a pillow. Talking and singing loudly to herself. She realised after a while, that the voices were in her head. The whisperings were inside her and no matter how fast she whipped her head around she'd never see anyone stood whispering into her ear. Every time sleep managed to bless her, she was haunted with a thousand memories all combined into one. Waking in the middle of the night was torture, covered in sweat, heart racing and she had no idea where she was or who she was. Her sister could hear her through the walls, the whimpers in her sleep but however hard she tried to reach Kerry; she fought back with a closely guarded wall. She never spoke of what happened, she never spoke of what the future would hold. She hardly even spoke.

Her eyes used to hold the knowledge of Gods, sparkling and fathomless. Now they were hollow, yet so full of pain. They reflected every small painful movement she made. They reflected every torture inflicted upon her. 

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As the weeks passed so did months. The healing process was something Kerry was fast at, at before too long she was back to one crutch, but painfully she needed two, but she would not admit it, nor would she use them both. She submerged herself in work, burying herself in hospital admin and patients. Losing herself in the insanity of work. Losing herself completely.

The ER all watched the first day as she returned. The look of her face returning to the trauma room where she had been treated. The way she moved slowly around. The way she stopped every now and again leaning against walls, breathing deeply. A look flashing across her face that reminded them of her helpless on the gurney. A look they wish they had never witnessed. 

Mark steered all psyche cases well clear of her, making sure she had small patients, a few hand lachs, broken arms, cuts and so on. She had attempted a trauma but found herself leaving halfway through, her stomach churning. The blood was horrific; she had chosen to walk in on a victim of a gunshot wound watching mesmerised as the life bleed out of the patient while Mark worked on him. She watched as the blood seeped away, reminding her of how close she came, staring death in the face and running away. No one questioned what happened in the trauma room, they just treated the patient, and watched as Kerry quickly disappeared, her colour whiter than white.

The doctors had given her some anti-depressants, which she refused to take. For months after her first attack, she had taken them to the point of addiction. One minute she was contemplating suicide, after the tablets she was higher than a kite. Watching the world through tainted eyes. She refused to be like that again, she refused to have the pain of coming off them. But the moments she had in the trauma room had her feeling the need for them. To somehow block the horror of the world.

She laid off the trauma's for a while, easing back into the world of medicine. Every now and again, flashbacks occurred, always when she least expected them. When taking a patients history, she remembered being questioned by police officer for a statement, having to tell him the last person she slept with and when. He raised an eyebrow when she said women, she half expected him to make a snide comment. When flicking through an administrative pamphlet she began to see the photos from the book she flicked through to see if any pictures brought back any memories of her attacker. Every time she showered, her hands became his touching her body, touching what wasn't his to touch, She often found herself slipping down the wall of the shower in tears, unable to cope.

She questioned her sanity more than once. Wondering what exactly he had taken from her. She realised that she either had to live with what happened and move on, or let him win. Kerry wondered if she was strong enough to fight on, she wondered if it was too late. But as far as everyone else was concerned she was still alpha bitch and that was that. As far as Elizabeth Corday was concerned, Kerry needed help and she wondered what would happen if they were too late already. 

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The knife was more interesting than the meal. Madeline has spent the best of the afternoon preparing it. But the meal went unnoticed, the big shiny knife was more interesting, the big shiny sharp knife. Madeline watched as Kerry danced the knife over the plate and for a second she thought to her wrists. She was about to jump up when Kerry threw the knife across the table. She looked at Madeline blankly "the knife he stabbed me with was like that" She then stood up and crutched out the room, leaving a wide mouthed Madeline mentally kicking herself. 

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A few weeks later Kerry went back to the trauma room. Her first trauma victim was an MVA. She stumbled over her words, the trauma team prompting her. Calling Elizabeth Corday down for surgery, Haleh noted Kerry stumbled across the room, dragging herself around the gurney. She noticed her pronounced limp which was understandable, but it hadn't been that bad for a while. Not since she first came back. She noticed the whiter shade she had turned, and the way she seemed to sway. 

"Doctor Weaver, do you want me to get Dr Carter in here to assist?" 

"No thank you Haleh, I got it"

"Are you sure Dr Weaver?"

She was then faced with the Weaver death glare, looking away she pressed no further, watching form the corner of her eye. As Elizabeth entered she was just in time, as Kerry took one look at her, said, "Elizabeth I need some help" and collapsed to the floor.

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To Be Continued… More Elizabeth/Kerry coming soon J 


	3. If I Go Crazy

_Authors notes_: _You lot are scary you know that!! So here I am, trying to get this completed for you while also trying to study for final college exams! Don't say I never did anything for ya __J I took a funny turn and went with some Carter… I miss Kerry/Carter so I added some for fun. But I'm hoping to take this Elizabeth/Kerry and write a Kerry/Carter fic at another time._

_The title is keeping with the superman theme, this one is from the song Kryptonite, the original title to the fan fic, the lyric being "If I go crazy then will you still call me superman" (Don't own that song either)_

_So enjoy and review please! Thank you   
Much love ~ Dream Weaver  
Disclaimer: Still don't own the show, so these aren't mine, I borrow them and return them hardly harmed…_

If I Go crazy… 

A few weeks later Kerry went back to the trauma room. Her first trauma victim was an MVA. She stumbled over her words, the trauma team prompting her. Calling Elizabeth Corday down for surgery, Haleh noted Kerry stumbled across the room, dragging herself around the gurney. She noticed her pronounced limp which was understandable, but it hadn't been that bad for a while. Not since she first came back. She noticed the whiter shade she had turned, and the way she seemed to sway. 

"Doctor Weaver, do you want me to get Dr Carter in here to assist?" 

"No thank you Haleh, I got it"

"Are you sure Dr Weaver?"

She was then faced with the Weaver death glare, looking away she pressed no further, watching form the corner of her eye. As Elizabeth entered she was just in time, as Kerry took one look at her, said, "Elizabeth I need some help" and collapsed to the floor.

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Elizabeth was by Kerry's side within a matter of milliseconds, feeling for her vitals as alarms started going off disrupting her "Dr Corday the patients crashing"   
"OK, Get Carter in here, Abby can you check Kerry for me?"

Abby moved past Haleh while Elizabeth started shocking the patient back to life. Carter stumbled through the doors, tripping over Kerry who lay awkwardly between the trauma room doors. 

"What happened?"  
"She passed out, can you take care of her?" Elizabeth sighed, throwing the paddles aside "He's gone… time of death…"

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"Have you been eating properly?" Kerry glared at Carter with intensity "Yes Carter, I have and I've managed to shower myself too" The sarcasm fell flat as Carter glared back.   
"You're underweight and exhausted, how have you been sleeping?"   
"fine"

He raised an eyebrow and scratched his forehead. This was typical Weaver behaviour. Also a typical Weaver response. Fine. He sighed mentally. He was lost for what to do, any other patient, any other doctor he would have gone to her. And she would have sorted it out; she would have forced time off onto them.   
"Why don't you take a few days off? You're exhausted and you need to rest, and I'm saying this as a doctor and as a friend"

She almost choked when he said friend. No one had ever said friend before to her, no one she worked with at least. She was the wicked witch of the ER and no one considered her friend. She would have liked to have considered others a friend, but she was scared to be laughed at. She was scared to call them friend and for them to laugh in her face she was no friend, she was their boss.

She looked at Carter, remembering the time they had lived together briefly. He was in the basement but made regular appearances at breakfast and dinner. He'd hang around in the lounge on days off occasionally. He was a friend there. In her house they were John and Kerry, not Carter and Festus. She remembered Carter informing her of the name Malucci had given her… Festus… She had laughed at the time, but she swore she saw John wince. He did wince. They laughed and they talked, she had come close to telling him about her limp on night when he cam home and found her particularly drunk on the sofa. He had carried her upstairs, into the bathroom where she emptied her stomach, John with a cold flannel on her neck, rubbing her back. She remembered crying into his shoulder and how he held her as she sobbed uncontrollably, reliving the nightmares she saw in her dreams in her drunken state. In some way Carter understood and knew, but he never said. And he never talked about that time, or other times he had found Kerry passed out at home from too much alcohol, or helped her to the bathroom to vomit, or to change clothes. John never told anyone about the time he came home and found her sobbing at the bottom of the stairs, after falling. He had treated her and helped her into bed; calling Mark the next day telling him she had flu. 

He was a friend, a friend she had let down. 

"I'll go home" Carter smiled triumphantly. 

"Okay but only if you come to doc's first with me for some dinner" She smiled weakly. "I'll get my stuff" She slid of the gurney gently and he handed her back her crutch. She limped painfully out of the room while Carter watched after her. He wanted to help her and he knew that he had to. 

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Elizabeth caught Carter just as he was finishing his shift "Carter, a word?"

They went inside the doctor's lounge, Carter wondering if he had done something wrong.

"It's about Dr Weaver"

His mind clicked back into place. He nodded.  
"Is she okay? Was there anything wrong with her?"

He dropped his shoulder bag to the floor and sat down. "She was tired, I don't think she's been eating to well… or sleeping, over working… she's having a few days off and I took her to get something to eat"

Elizabeth folded her arms in front of her chest "Okay… just keep an eye on her"

Carter nodded, picked up his bag and returned it to his shoulder. As her got to the door Elizabeth shouted after him "Oh and Carter, maybe it's best Romano doesn't hear about this" Carter smiled in agreement and left Elizabeth with her thoughts.

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Days turned into weeks, and before she knew it, Kerry was still living her false life where everyone was convinced she was fine. And as long they believed that she was fine she felt she was fine.   
Pain was still being a constant companion to her and she refused to talk to anyone. But as far as the hospital was concerned, she was going to regular counselling sessions and was making progress.   
And with regards to Kim, the last she had heard was that she had moved to San Francisco after a dispute with Romano. She didn't even say goodbye. She didn't want to think about Kim, or about being attacked. She wanted to think about forgetting. And moving on, however painful or however hard it was going to and was, she had to do it. She hated herself for it, another selfish thing to do, to forget so she didn't have to face the truth.   
She blocked everything out, living each second as they happened. She ignored sleep, she ignored food, she did her charts, and she treated patients. She ignored painkillers, she ignored treatment, and she ignored everything she shouldn't, all to make life easier, all to make everything go away.

However much she though she was being successful as this charade, she wasn't. Everyone noticed as she spiralled out of control, to the point of being a puppet. Everyone noticed and no one could do a damn thing to stop it. 

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To Be Continued….


	4. No Hand To Break Your Fall

Authors Notes: Trying to keep up! Thanks to all those who have reviewed, keep 'em coming!

_Feedback would be much appreciated. The title is from Lazlo Bane's "I'm no Superman" from the Scrubs theme. Please review._

_Warning: This gets a little evil, it does deal with rape. Nothing graphic, just disturbing. Be warned, it's very angsty and a little sad._

_Disclaimer: I still don't own it…  _

No Hand to break your fall 

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Everyone noticed as she spiralled out of control, to the point of being a puppet. Everyone noticed and no one could do a damn thing to stop it.

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"Your mine… for always" 

Kerry sat bolt upright in bed, wincing from the pain surging through her body. She was drenched in sweat, the bed sheets clinging to her. She felt like she had run a marathon, her heart racing and her breathing quick. She didn't know if she had been calling out in her sleep like previously, as her sister didn't come running in as she usually did, maybe she had become immune to the cries in Kerry's sleep and left her to fight her own demons. 

She looked at the clock on her bedside table, 8.55am… She moved slowly out of bed, there was no point in trying to sleep again. 

After a quick shower, she went downstairs to make some coffee, finding her sister asleep on the counter top.

"Maddie…" she gently shook her awake, a cup of tea in her hands. Maddie never drank coffee; she hated the stuff, and was only known to drink it in stressful situations. She swore by herbal tea. Maddie stirred lifting her head slightly "Kerry… what time is it?"   
"Early… here I made you some tea"

She gratefully accepted it. Pushing her hair back from her face, she studied Kerry who was huddled over paper work, sipping coffee. 

"Kerry what are you doing up?" Her voice croaked out of her, she cleared her throat…  she had to give up smoking. It was a bad habit she had given up many years ago, but only recently taken up... another stress habit. 

"I've got an early shift today... Anyway what were you doing asleep in the kitchen?" 

Maddie rubbed her temples trying to remember. "I came down for a drink, sat down for a moment… musta dozed off, didn't you work late last night?"

Kerry put down her coffee and looked at her exhausted sister "Maddie… go home" 

"What?" 

"I'm fine, I'm more than fine, I'm better and as much as I love having you around, you need to go home, go back to work"

"But Kerry…"  
"But what? There are no if's or buts, go home, I'm fine"

Maddie hesitated "Really? I mean you're sure… are you still having nightmares?"  
Kerry laughed, "Maddie go home, today"

She looked at the clock, even if she took the long route to work, she was still going to be hours early, but that didn't matter "I'm going to work… look I'll see you when I see you… I'll ring you or you ring me…" her sister drew her into an uncomfortable hug "Take care Kerry"  
Kerry slid out of the embrace and left. Maddie stood in the kitchen for a while before she left to pack. She didn't want to go but it was clear she was unwelcome to stay. 

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"Kerry, you're shift doesn't start for another two hours" It was hard to sound surprised as Mark had seen Kerry arrive early and leave late for a many weeks now. 

She ignored the comment or pretended not to hear, he couldn't tell, and slipped into the doctor's lounge. 

He sighed slightly, and looked at the board. "Jerry I'm taking a break while it's quiet, I'll be in the lounge"

"Have fun Dr Greene"

As he entered the lounge he realised something was wrong, he was sure he'd seen Kerry walk in the lounge, but she wasn't there. He didn't notice Kerry until he tripped over he unconscious form on the floor.

"Kerry? Kerry can you hear me?" Her head lolled around like a rag dolls "Kerry? Come on Kerry, I need you to open your eyes"

She didn't respond, she made no sound. Leaving her for a second, he jumped up and ran to the door. He spotted Malik talking to Jerry   
"Malik! Get a back board over here, Jerry find a nurse, preferably Abby"

Going back in the lounge, he found Kerry how he had left her.  "Come on Kerry, open your eyes" She still didn't respond. Malik entered with Abby closely behind. 

"You needed a back board?" Malik looked confused, he couldn't see Kerry. 

"Yeah over here, give me a hand"

Walking over, Kerry slowly came into view "What happened?"

"Don't know, Abby give us a hand"

They carried Kerry into Trauma one, as they placed her onto the gurney her eyes opened.  
Looking around, she was confused. _Why am I in Trauma One? Why are they looking at me like that? What am I doing at work… can't remember getting here…_

"Kerry I found you passed out in the lounge"

"What… I er…. I can't…"   
"Kerry? I need you to tell me what's going on" Mark pulled up a stool to sit down by Kerry, this wasn't the time to be standing over her, it made him feel uncomfortable as well as her. 

"Nothing, nothing… I'm just tired" 

"Okay… how have you been sleeping?"

"Fine" Another lie. Mark fought off the compulsion to sigh; he knew she hadn't been sleeping. That was plainly clear from the dark circles under her eyes. Her pale skin suddenly stood out and her exhausted face seemed to be even more tired. 

"Go home Kerry, it's quiet, go get some sleep"

This seemed to make her snap out of the daze she was in "I'm fine, I don't need to go home" She sat up, pushed her legs off the gurney and slid off, supporting herself with the gurney, she walked towards Abby who stood holding her crutch "Abby give my crutch please" Abby hesitated "Or you're fired" She passed it over quickly. 

She crutched out of the trauma room, although her legs didn't want to co-operate, she pushed herself. Mark and Abby followed

"Kerry stop pushing yourself, you're only gonna make yourself ill"  
"Back off Mark, I'm fine"

"Kerry…"  
"Mark I'm fine, I'm just peachy fucking keen, I couldn't be better" She seemed to stop and turn around as they reached the admit desk. A hush fell over the ER as Kerry continued to shout at Mark

"There's nothing that could make my life better!" She laughed sarcastically "I go to work, I try to take my mind off being attacked and at every possible opportunity, someone brings it up, I go home I back to a sister who's every intention is out of guilt, I try to sleep and I hear him" She seemed to brake at this point, her shoulders giving in slightly "I hear him, I hear his words and I see his face, I smell his breath and I feel him, I can feel him looking at my and touching me and God knows I don't want him to, but I can't scream, I can't stop him, and I can hear him whispering, long after I've woken up, and I can't do a damn thing to stop it, to get him out of my head because I'm his, forever and always" Abby was close to breaking, her eyes began to fill with tears which she quickly swiped away. She had never seen someone so strong break so badly before. Mark tried to keep his calm, but the pain was visible in his face, the pain he felt for Kerry. Everyone around watched and listened closely, Malucci had ventured out of the lounge and stood, arms folded looking at the ground.   
Kerry swayed slightly, tears streaming down her face.

"You know what it's like to be attacked, we all do at some point, but do you know what it's like to be so helpless, to lie there bleeding to death while he rapes you? Do you know what it feels like to wonder if you'll ever be found, that you'll die alone and no one will give a damn? Do you know what it feels like to no longer be in control because everything you do now is because of him? … He broke me" 

The ER remained quiet as she crutched painfully away. 

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To Be Continued…. 


	5. Hold On

_Authors Notes: Thank you all so much for the fantastic feedback! So as a reward (depending on how you look at it) here's another chapter._

_Many people know I wrote a story called "It's Over Now" which I left un-finished in my own archive and on another archive. This dealt with depression and had Kerry overdosing. I painted this story unfortunately into a corner I couldn't get out of. So low and behold two stories combined. Not to give anything away… _

_Disclaimer: You know it by now, ER isn't mine. _

Hold On 

Kerry seemed to disappear at work after that. She'd show up and do her job, do charts, treat patients, but she went unnoticed. People didn't know if they were avoiding her or if she was avoiding them. Anytime she did make an appearance she appeared to be getting sick. Her skin taking a pale tone, her eyes growing darker, the bags under them growing. She seemed in more pain and so far out of reach. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The shadows were constantly her friend, to hide to, to play in. They were her friends when the rest of the world turned against her. The dark room was home to a thousand memories; each wall had different stories to tell. She liked the dark, it was a comfort for her, somewhere where she could hide, where she could escape the world and it's daily horror. She had decorated it with memories of her former life, which seemed a million miles away at that moment. Reaching for her glass, she sighed, another empty one. In total there had been 8, so far empty glasses, the contents of which had slid down her throat in ease, dulling a pain that racked her soul.

That's right drink away your problems and forget everything 

She hated her mind sometimes, the way her conscience used reverse psychology to try and reason with her. She hated that her mind was a doctor as well.  

Music drifted through the room, her relaxation. She remembered forbidding Carter to touch her music collection without her permission while she danced along to Grace Jones. Carter had borrowed CD's from time to time; she knew to add mood music to his basement while he and Roxanne made love. 

The soft voices from her CD player brought not relaxation but agitation. Slowing turning to angst and she began to replay events that her mind did not want her to forget.  

You're mine… 

Throwing the nearest glass across the room, it smashed against the wall. She flinched slightly at the sound of it breaking and collapsed to the sofa. Holding her head in her hand, she wondered if it was all worth it.

Can all this pain be worth it?

Kerry Weaver, Alpha bitch was contemplating suicide. Who'd of thought it? 

She laughed cruelly at herself. She laughed until the laughs turned to tears. 

She heard the phone ring but ignored it. Somewhere in the distance her sister left a message for her. 

Tears ran down her face and she moved quickly to swipe them away. A selfish indulgence. 

She continued to drink into the night and before to long, it was morning and work was beckoning her. 

~~

Stumbling out of the door, she looked at her car sitting outside the house.   
"Better not" She laughed. Kerry stumbled down the street towards the El Train. 

The train ride seemed to last an eternity or drunken sways and hallucinations. Slipping off the train and off the platform, she continued to giggle to herself as she stumbled into work. 

Everyone looked up at her as she fell through the ambulance doors in a fit of hysterics, apologising to the doors for falling into them. She waved merrily at the group who watched in amazement as she fell into the lounge.

"Dr Greene, is it me, or do you think Dr Weaver's been putting something other than milk on her cereal?"

Mark looked at Jerry "Answer the phone Jerry"

"It's not ringing"

"Well ring someone"

Abby walked towards Mark "She looked pretty loaded"

"I know… get some saline and a drip, set it up in exam four…" 

In the lounge, Kerry laughed to herself as she struggled to open the locker. 

Mark walked into the lounge to find Kerry battering it with her crutch screaming, "Open you son of a bitch!"

Grabbing Kerry around the waist, her pulled the crutch from her grasp and lowered her to a seat at the table. 

"Morning Mark" She grinned at him. 

"Kerry… have you been drinking?" 

"You know, when you stand there, the light shines off your head and I can see myself" 

Mark sighed and dropped his head, causing further amusement to Kerry.

"Kerry come on, we're gonna sober up, you can't work like this" He dragged her out the lounge.

"What is with you and me working, you never want me to work… jealous?" Mark ignored her as she continued to rant, drawing attention to a situation that was going to be beyond embarrassing later on. She could lose her job over this. 

Closing the curtains, he and Abby hooked her up to the IV and she crashed out on the gurney. 

"I've never seen her drunk before" Abby mused, watching Kerry dribble down her chin.

"I have… we did the conga and she kept shouting banana…" 

Abby smiled "Make sure Romano doesn't find out Abby… she could lose her job"

"Maybe that's a good thing…" Mark looked at her "She's overloaded… after everything, maybe she could use some time away…"

Mark turned his attention back to Kerry who seemed to be meowing in her sleep "Work is all she has… take it away from her and I don't know what would happen"

~~

Waking up, Kerry looked around. She sighed. Once again she was waking up in the ER. She looked at the drip and memories of last night came flooding back in. Abby was moving around in the exam room, bringing a towel over and a pair of scrubs. Looking down, Kerry realised she had vomited… a number of times judging by the taste now conquering her mouth.

"Dr Weaver, how are you feeling?" 

"Abby what did I do?"   
Abby's mind worked for a second.

"Well after you danced with an IV pole and touched up Mark Greene, we managed to get you to crash out in here"

Kerry felt her cheeks glow. She could never look at Mark again. Or the IV pole for that matter. "Don't worry though, we managed to confiscate Jerry's Polaroid's" 

Abby smiled slightly and was surprised when Kerry smiled back. She helped Kerry change and couldn't help but notice the scars across her back. She looked down at the floor, crossing her arms, waiting for Kerry to finish.

"Thank you Abby"

As she started to leave, Abby hesitated for a second, but then something clicked inside her head "Dr Weaver, before you go, can I have a quick word"

"Sure"

"Uh… we're all pretty worried about you… I just wanted you to know… if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here"   
Abby watched a look of surprise crept over Kerry's face "Thanks Abby… but really I'm fine" The smile re-appeared on her face.

"Er… okay…" As Kerry went to leave again, Abby decided she wasn't giving up with out a fight  
"Dr Weaver, before you go, er… would you like to come out with Elizabeth and me tonight?" Kerry hesitated, Abby noted this _Bait her_

"We'll be drinking"

Kerry smiled "Sure"

She walked off, leaving Abby wondering how being a recovering alcoholic she was going to drink and that she better tell Elizabeth they were going out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Be Continued… 

_  
  
_


	6. Dark Side

Authors Notes: Trying to use my time to try and finish this story (mainly for the sake of Liza before she gets me with her frying pans) This is somewhere between Malucci being fired, but Kim's still around. He was in the first parts but was fired along the way, just because I felt like it Heehee. 

Getting tired of all the Carby/Luby stuff taking up all of ER now… grrrr….

Disclaimer: If I had anything to do with ER would I be writing fan fic? Me thinkith not…

Rating: PG-13, 15... look it's not for kiddies at all. 

Continuing with the Superman/Kryptonite theme, the title is taken from Kryptonite by Three Doors down. I do not own these lyrics.  
This is part of a continuing story. The original can be found on my profile, but the name Kryptonite. 

The Dark Side

Waking up from another nightmare, Kerry painfully rolled over onto her side. Gasping slightly in pain, she looked around, blinking away the blur she met the gaze of Elizabeth Corday who sat in a chair by the side of her bed. 

It was still dark and the clock blinked 3.00 at her. 

Elizabeth didn't move, she continued to sit in the chair, her hands clasped in front of her face, like the bad guy from a James Bond film, all she needed was a fluffy cat and a henchman and she was away. 

Kerry tried to move again but nothing happened, instead pain shot through her body like lightning, strike after strike. 

Elizabeth didn't move, she continued to sit and watch as Kerry screamed and cried in pain.

Elizabeth left her for a few minutes, watching the small red head writhe in pain, tears streaking her face. A part of her sadistically enjoyed watching the woman who had caused her so much pain, suffer. The rest of her knew it was for Kerry's own good. 

Kerry felt like death itself had an icy hand wrapped around her body and was crushing her with all his might. She wasn't sure if she was dead or alive, or dying. All she knew was pain itself, trying it's hardest to destroy her, and it was succeeding slowly.

After a few minutes, Elizabeth walked over to Kerry, injecting a small amount of morphine into her. Waiting a few seconds for it to kick in, she sat on the bed, running her hand through Kerry's hair, trying to calm her the best she could.

As the pain lessoned, so did the screaming. She looked at Elizabeth like a school child to a teacher with a cane, she had all this power, causing her all this pain, yet she was someone she looked up to, someone she didn't think was capable of causing her this pain. 

Through the sobs, Elizabeth began to talk to Kerry. 

"It's not nice is it Kerry. Pain. A torture. Don't think I'm torturing you, by all means no, I wouldn't do that. I maybe cold hearted but I'm not Satan Kerry…" 

_'That's your job'_ Elizabeth added mentally.

"I'm not doing this to you, you are… You're torturing yourself Kerry"

Kerry turned away, her teary eyes searching for light at the window that was not to arrive for hours. 

"Kerry if you continue to drink and torture yourself like you have been doing, this is what it will be like everyday, before your body finally gives out, you will be left to die alone Kerry, here. In the greatest pain you'll ever know"

"Maybe that's what I want"

"Is it?"

"You think I like living like this, hell, it isn't even living, it's existing. Every day is struggle to even remind myself to breathe, because it's simply not worth it anymore"

Every thought or idea Elizabeth had ever had of Kerry had just been shattered by what had just been said. Elizabeth realised that Kerry wasn't who she thought she was. Under all the pain, all the anger, she was still a human who was dealing with something that was beyond her own treating. She understood to a point the pain, but she never realised that Kerry, the Kerry Weaver she had known for these past years, was giving up on life. Elizabeth had seen Kerry as someone who would live forever out of spite, as dark humour to piss people off for centuries. In actual fact Kerry was a human being, with feelings, who couldn't see living past next week. 

Words continued their endless dance out of Kerry's mouth.

"Elizabeth I'm broken now, I'm damaged even more that I was before. And you think this makes living easy? You think I can live like this? Knowing that he's broken me, knowing that I'll never be the same. Once I believed maybe it was possible to live on, like nothing had happened. Live life, and beat that son of a bitch who had done this, out of spite, just continue to live, move on. But it hurts. It's hard not to when every waking and sleeping moment is full of him. Of a constant reminder of who I once was and why I'm not her anymore. I thought once it would all be okay, not anymore, because I'm always gonna be under his control. I'm always gonna be scarred by him. Branded. Anything I ever was is now his" She looked to Elizabeth. 

"You don't understand? You couldn't" 

"I can't begin to understand this Kerry, I can't pretend to know, all I can do is listen and start to understand. If you'll let me. I want to help you; I want to help you to live again"

Kerry laughed softly "I don't think I can, honestly, I don't think I want to"

The morning turned to afternoon. 

Elizabeth made small progress with Kerry, establishing a ground for Kerry to trust her on. They talked for what seemed eternity but in reality, the time had slipped away with ease for only a few hours. 

After a long conversation, Elizabeth managed to coax Kerry to the kitchen for something to eat. Rooting around in her cupboards and fridge, Elizabeth began fixing a large meal in between talking to Mark on the phone. At some point Mark must have held the phone to Ella, as Kerry noted the change to Elizabeth's tone and language, either that or Mark was into something very disturbing. As Elizabeth continued cooing down the phone, Kerry took the opportunity to slip into the bathroom. 

Staring into the large mirror, she sighed. How she hated the reflection that stared back, a figure in the shadow of death. An icy hand looming over he shoulder waiting for the moment to reach out and snatch her away from the waking world.

She welcomed the peace the prospect brought, painless and quiet. But in her heart, she feared death the most. 

It was a constant companion throughout her lonely misery. Something trying to coax her away, always waiting, always teasing, always tempting.  

She stared at the hallucination of death for a few moments, before turning away, to disgusted to look at it anymore. To disgusted to think that death was waiting.

Death's hand hovered over her head and a glimpse of death racked her mind. 

The still and darkness of the place was un-nerving. The feeling of loneliness and nothingness. She stepped back, the feelings leaving her mind. 

"Kerry?" 

"I'll be right out"

Stepping out the door, Kerry turned back to see death watching her. She smiled. Something in her head clicked. 

"Not today" she smiled. She was giving in today, or tomorrow, or the day after. She closed the door to death stamping his foot in frustration. 

Walking in the kitchen, Elizabeth greeted her, placing two plates on the table.

Sitting down to the table, Kerry began to speak. And didn't stop until her mind was clear and her heart was open.   
She didn't want to go with death, she wanted to live. 

6 Months later 

The day was slow but busy. Time dragged on like an anchor weighing the hands of the clock down. 

Watching the hands tick slowly on, Kerry counted down the seconds till she was off shift. 15 Seconds…14…13…12…

The ambulance bay doors swung open to reveal two fire-fighter's wheeling a gurney.   
Looking around, Kerry groaned.   
_Absolutely typical_ She thought as she approached.

"17 year old female, goes by the name of Doobie" Kerry rolled her eyes "fell off a wall and got stuck in some railings in the park, mainly bruises and cuts, but was too stoned to stand up"  
Rolling into trauma one Doobie looked up "Hey, you steal my joint?"

"Yeah, I'm having it for Sunday dinner" Kerry deadpanned.   
The fire fighter laughed, no one else in the room seemed to get the joke. Doobie crashed back out onto the gurney while Kerry handed the rigging back to the fire fighter who Kerry only just noticed was female. Blushing slightly, Kerry smiled.

"Thanks doc" She smiled. 

"Anytime uh… didn't catch your name?"

"Cause I didn't throw it… Lopez… Sandy Lopez"

"Sandy" She liked the way it purred off her tongue "Kerry Weaver" They shook hands and Kerry turned back to the patient. 

"Before I leave doc… uhh… tell me if I'm off base her… but…"

Kerry suddenly liked living even more. 

The End 

_Being attacked is one of the hardest things life can throw at you. Recovering can be even harder.   
There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel and someone there to help you through. You can survive and thousands are living proof of this.   
Life is worth living, don't let attacker's take that away from you.   
Life is about living and after attack's life can continue with the right help and support. You are not alone.   
For all the attack and rape victims of the world, this is for you, because life can still be lived. _


End file.
